Every day of my life since that stupid song came out, I've been dogged by one question: "Paul, how come you never had time for a wife?"

A few know-it-alls just assume I'm a real estate bro- ker whd is also stnrggling to write a novel.

You.'seriously think that wouldn't leave me enough time for a wife? Do you have any idea how easy it is to attempt but fail to write a novel? You can do that in like five minutes a day, leaving you almost eight firll hours per day (after eight hours of sleep and eight hours of

- real estate brokering) to procure and keep a wife.

twentieth page, and Poe had to settle'for a short story instead of a novel. \{ith this much pressure, who has the emotional bandwidth left to procure and keep a wife?

I also novelize high-end real i-state. TriBeCa pent- houses, cliffside estates along the PCH, palatial ranch- es in Telluride: These places don't have real estate list: ings, they have real estate novels. Do you really think Bill Gates would have bought Xanadu 2.0 without first having read the estate's novelization, The Facilz Castle of Seattle?

Yesterday I wrote a scene from the point of view of a powder room that feels neglected because it's only used when the owner screens films in her home theater. Today I'm try-rng to capture the subjectivity of an indoor/outdoor pool with an identity crisis.

ISonically, home novelization zaps, all the energy I:d need to create my own dream home.

So during the week, I pretty much write real estate novelizations, ghost-write real estate novels, and do con- sulting work for authors tryrng to fill space with those descriptions of the house and grounds that you usually skim through to get to the dialogue. You might think that would leave me weekends for wife stuff, right?

Wrong. Weekends are when the open houses start. iTo*. buyers have h'ouble picturing themselves in a house the first time they see it, so real estate agents "stage'3 the home. The best agents hire real estate novel- ists to sit at a desk in the study. I write novels while pe

Why lr fhc Real Est*CG',, llouclfslC Fom'

..Piano llallrtt Xevei Hael fimc For A Wlfe ' 81 Talin Argonde

Every day of my life since that stupid song came out, I've been dogged by one question: "Paul, how come you never had time for a wife?"

A few know-it-alls just assume I'm a real estate bro- ker whd is also stnrggling to write a novel.

You.'seriously think that wouldn't leave me enough time for a wife? Do you have any idea how easy it is to attempt but fail to write a novel? You can do that in like five minutes a day, leaving you almost eight firll hours per day (after eight hours of sleep and eight hours of

- real estate brokering) to procure and keep a wife.

twentieth page, and Poe had to settle'for a short story instead of a novel. \{ith this much pressure, who has the emotional bandwidth left to procure and keep a wife?

I also novelize high-end real i-state. TriBeCa pent- houses, cliffside estates along the PCH, palatial ranch- es in Telluride: These places don't have real estate list: ings, they have real estate novels. Do you really think Bill Gates would have bought Xanadu 2.0 without first having read the estate's novelization, The Facilz Castle of Seattle?

Yesterday I wrote a scene from the point of view of a powder room that feels neglected because it's only used when the owner screens films in her home theater. Today I'm try-rng to capture the subjectivity of an indoor/outdoor pool with an identity crisis.

ISonically, home novelization zaps, all the energy I:d need to create my own dream home.

So during the week, I pretty much write real estate novelizations, ghost-write real estate novels, and do con- sulting work for authors tryrng to fill space with those descriptions of the house and grounds that you usually skim through to get to the dialogue. You might think that would leave me weekends for wife stuff, right?

Wrong. Weekends are when the open houses start. iTo*. buyers have h'ouble picturing themselves in a house the first time they see it, so real estate agents "stage'3 the home. The best agents hire real estate novel- ists to sit at a desk in the study. I write novels while peo-

ple walk through the house. It helps tle buyer picture themselves writing'their own terrible novels once they move rn.

Still, I've been told, if I hav.e enough leisure to go to a bar, I should have enough time for a wife. The waitress

is practicing politics, after aII couldn't I be using my - sad pianisryakking, bar-haunting hours on a wife?

No, smarty-pants. At the bar, chatting up the piano man and still-in-the-navy Davy, I am busy. Busy working as a real estate novelist.

What do you think a'bar is, dummies? Itt real estate. You know how sometimes a liquor company will send a troupb of young people into a b'ar as "brand ambassa- dors"? And you must smile politely as struggling actors offer you a free drink they call Lime-a-Rita Loneliness and chatyou up as you attempt to choke down.:that swill?

Well, publishers also send novelists real estate - novelists to bars to maintain the image of .writers as - hard drinking Hemingway/Fitzgerald types.

And the annoying person we must politely tolerate, in this case, is BillyJoel. That pianodoebn?t sound like a goddamn carnival, it sounds like cha-ching: me getting paid. fihe microphone does smell like'a beer.) .

So, the neit time you see a real estate novelist at the ba"q keep in mind: We are working.

And don't even think about flirting with-a'real estate novelist. We'll never have time for you.

---

Why lr fhc Real

..Piano llallrtt X

Est*CG',, llouclfslC Fom'

evei Hael fimc For A Wlfe'

sffilemoylon81 Talin Argonde and Jff Bendsr

Every day of my life since that stupid song came out,

I've been dogged by one question: "Paul, how come you

never had time for a wife?"

A few know-it-alls just assume I'm a real estate bro-

ker whd is also stnrggling to write a novel.

You.'seriously think that wouldn't leave me enough

time for a wife? Do you have any idea how easy it is to

attempt but fail to write a novel? You can do that in like

five minutes a day, leaving you almost eight firll hours

per day (after eight hours of sleep and eight hours of

- real estate brokering) to procure and keep a wife.

r / - It's clear these people have no fucking idea what a

real estate novelist does.

The hustle is nonstop.

Ever hear of The House of Mirth? I wrote it. TIu House

of thz Spiits? Nfine. Ttu House of 'ttu Sam Gablzs? I wrote

half - that's three and a half gables. Tlu Haunting of